Pre-Murder Syndrome

A strange thing happened to me, back when I was still in high school. 

Okay, okay, quite a few strange things happened to me in high school.  But this is a good one and affects something even more serious than losing your cable during the SuperBowl.

Yep, PMS.  Pre-Murder Syndrome.

One morning, I woke to find someone’s arm lying heavily over my face.  This is not something you want to wake up to (you probably wouldn’t want to go asleep to this, either).  Anyway, I tried to brush the arm away from my face, and got really scared, because it wouldn’t move.

That’s because it was my own arm lying across my face!

Sometime, during the night, I must have draped my arm over my face and cut off the circulation.  With thoughts of gangrene racing through my mind, I lifted the peacefully slumbering arm with the other hand.  It was non-responsive, and so heavy I dropped it by accident, whacking myself on the head, nearly causing a concussion.  I rubbed the arm furiously, until it tingled painfully back to life.  Whew!

Once the worry about gangrene was eliminated, I remember reflecting about how our body works.  The fact that we are mostly fluids and things work by hydraulics, levers, and other cool physics stuff, like gravity.

Anyway, some people say that a woman’s period is caused by the moon’s gravitational pull, much the same way it affects the oceans and causes tides.  That’s why they have a period once a month as the moon goes through its phases. That got me to thinking that earth women are actually pretty lucky.  What would happen if we lived on Jupiter or Saturn, where there are many moons?  Would they have more periods?  Or if the sun, which is quite a bit denser, was closer, they might find themselves having a period every day!

Someday I’m sure doctors will figure out a cure for PMS and its resultant mood swings. 

But, you know, we don’t really have to wait, because, being a guy, I figured out a permanent solution. 

Are you ready?

If we were to blast the moon out of existence, there would be no more periods, so no more PMS! 

I’m sure at this point that you might be wondering just what force we could generate that would be enough to destroy a small planet. 

Well, I have the answer for this, too. 

We just ship a rocket full of women with PMS up to the moon! 

I wouldn’t give the moon much chance at surviving.

The men of our world, being men, would probably start a pool to guess how long the moon would last.

Not me, though.  I’m above all that.

Um, er…

Uh…I’d like to put my money on twenty minutes right now.

copyright Norman Cowie