marv

Marv

Marv Albert got what was coming to him.

Remember him? The sports announcer who jumped on a woman’s back in their hotel room and bit her while wearing a toupee, white panties and garter. Thank God our justice system stood behind women by protecting them against ugly men who wear women’s clothing.

But unfortunately, the justice system can’t repair the irreparable damage my imagination took when it, upon hearing the details of his assault, tried to construct a visual for my brain. I tried to stop it, but I couldn’t.

As I read the sordid details in the paper, I glanced at the picture of Marv that accompanied the story, and my mind, totally without my permission, drew this really detailed picture of him standing on a hotel bed, wearing white Victoria Secret panties and garter not meant to adorn a middle-aged man’s hairy, lumpy legs!

As I mentioned, we did the right thing, proving we can and will protect women in our society. I have two girls, and I don’t think you can do enough to protect the fair sex from the brute sex. Women don’t have the natural protection afforded to say, the black widow, who controls when, how, and finishes by biting something off.

But there’s another lady insect out there, who has no such protection, and of whom human law actually condones immediate execution upon sight. This insect is, of course, the mosquito. But we are doing the wrong thing. The only reason the female mosquito bites (it is only the female that bites) is because she ran into a big bulked-up male mosquito that was on steroids and a major league baseball contract. Have you ever seen a male mosquito? He’s about ten times the size of the female, and looks like a flying daddy long-legs.

God didn’t provide the female mosquito with a natural lubricant, KY jelly or Quaker State Super Blend SAE 10W-30 oil; so, in order to lay her eggs, she finds an unwilling blood donor, injects a sterilizing, numbing solution under the skin, and draws out what she needs.

If it wasn’t for the fact that this solution causes an allergic reaction in the donor (well, plus a few nasty life-threatening diseases, too), he wouldn’t even notice the minuscule amount she drew out. This blood, the lubricant, is used to ease the eggs out of her body during the egg-laying phase.

Why was all of this necessary? Well, it was because this big, brutish male jumped her and bit her back while wearing a toupee.

Have you ever swatted a male mosquito? Of course not, you probably never realized what one looked like. Meanwhile, you’re punishing the poor female victims of a male assault. We ought to be out there smacking at the guy. Don’t take it out on the lady. She’s only trying to alleviate pain, and perhaps death from a lubrication-less hatching.

I thought about this the other day when a big male mosquito floated in a sauntering way into our house. He flew around, all macho and pumped from his conquests, feeling invulnerable to punishment because society always blames the female.

“Society won’t hurt me,” he thought, buzzing around in his little toupee, white panties and garter.

“Nonsense,” I said, as I squished him with my thumb.