guydumb

Guydumb, er, guy-dom

If you’re like me (hopefully not, for your sake), sooner or later you start wondering about things that most people take for granted. Like the word ‘guy,’ for example.

I use the word a lot, especially to describe myself.

Yep, I’m a guy.

Maybe you’re a guy, too. If you are, though, you’re probably not going to like what’s coming up. If you aren’t, try not to snicker. It’s not polite.

And if you’re from England, you aren’t going to hear anything you don’t already know. But for the rest of us…

Once upon a time, there was a guy named Guy Fawkes.

True story, by the way.

Guy Fawkes was born in 1570 in England, when Queen Elizabeth ruled the proud island. A Protestant, she pretty much roughed up those of the Catholic faith, and when she died in 1603 Catholics were hoping they’d receive better treatment under King James I.

Well, that didn’t happen.

So a guy named Robert Catesby…

Wait, before we go on, you need to know something. In 1603 guys were not yet called ‘guys.’ The phrase didn’t exist yet. There were no such thing as guys.

Don’t misunderstand me.

There were guys.

They just weren’t called guys yet.

Anyway, back to the story.

A guy named Robert Catesby, before guys were called guys, came up with a bright idea. He got together with a bunch of frat buddies, including a guy named Guy Fawkes, swilled a bunch of brews (tea, probably, since, after all, we are talking about England), and came up with a bright idea. Waving around a turkey leg, he said, “Hey guys (even though they weren’t called guys yet), let’s blow up Parliament!”

You can tell that he’s a guy, right?

So were the other guys, because they all thought it was a great idea.

They got a bunch of dynamite, and planted it in a cellar under the House of Lords, and got ready to set off the fireworks.

(Guys like fireworks.)

But, one guy, after thinking it over, sent an anonymous letter to one of his buddies, Lord Monteagle, who happened to be a member of the government, warning him to stay away from Parliament on November 5th.

Well, of course after that word leaked, and the King’s forces stormed the cellar the night before and found one Guy Fawkes in the cellar singing the rowdy drinking song, “Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall,” surrounded by thirty-six barrels of gunpowder (on the Wall).

Well, the authorities didn’t see the humor in the whole thing, so they tortured Guy by making him watch re-runs of Three’s Company. Then, they mercifully put him to death before he started thinking he was Suzanne Somers.

But all the guys of England were feeling a little gypped, since they didn’t get their fireworks display. So the next day, they started a huge bonfire.

On the first anniversary, they did it again.

Then again. Soon, people started throwing effigies onto the bonfires. Effigies of Guy Fawkes, the Pope, Britney Spears.

They did it every year, and the tradition got bigger and bigger, with fireworks, brats and square dancing. And preparations included making a dummy of Guy Fawkes, that they called “the Guy.” Children would carry their ‘Guy’ around, and beg for ‘a penny for the Guy,’ using the money to buy fireworks for the night’s fun.

I’m not kidding.

So what’s it say for guys that we’re named for a dummy?

And what’s it say for guys, that even if we knew it, we’d think it was cool?