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Humor Author Norm Cowie's website

    Why do we eat chickens, but not roosters? 

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Rejected cover. I liked it, but it didn't work for the story.
old, or olde covers
I was in these two anthologies 
What they say ...

"I loved this book, fangs and all." New York Times best-selling author James Rollins

"Fantastically funny," BookLoons

"Don't miss this gem." Shane Gericke, national best-selling author

"Genuinely funny..."  Taliesin - The Vampire's Lair

"Norm Cowie has a wicked sense of humor."  Reader's Favorite Book Reviews

"Humorous fantasy at its best..." Armchair Interviews

"LOL Funny!" Beverly at Publisher's Weekly

"No topic is safe from Cowie's incredible wit and entertaining turn of phrase."  Pop Syndicate.

"Hilarious, witty and oozing with snappy sarcasm." 3Rs Bits, Bites & Books.

"Everything is so true, you can't help but laugh in agreement." Roundtable Reviews 

"If Guy, had parents, and he must have had some someplace, they should be Erma Bombeck and Douglas Adams. This book is funny." award-winning author Barbara D'Amato

"...hilarious mishaps..." Joliet Herald News

"...persistently entertaining read from first page to last." Midwest Book Review
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Norm  quick updates:

Norm was a judge again this year for the 33rd Chicago International Children's Film Festival. He also was a judge in 2013, 2014 & 2015, 2016

See events page for event hi-jinks.

Click here to visit The Humor Writers of America.

Norm's alma mater Western Michigan University showcased Norm's books on their website.

The National Assn of Credit Mgmt published an anthology of Norm's award-winning business articles in 2016.

NACM National article quotes Norm's articles regarding lien law change. click 'Business Stuff'
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Another day at the office

     My daughter Sam sauntered into my office, and asked, “Do you wash your belly button?”
    I looked up, “Huh?”
    She lifted her shirt, looked down and grimaced, “Euch, mine’s filthy.”
    “Um, what are…”
    She waved it off. “Never mind, it’s brutal up here in my head.”
    Then she started to walk back out, but I interrupted, “you’re late.” 
    She grinned and looked down at her wrist where there was no watch. “Nope, I’m early.”
    “You’re fifteen minutes late.”
    “By my watch, it’s 7:55, so I’m five minutes early.”
    “You’re not wearing a watch,” I growled.
    “So it’s pretty amazing I’m this early then, right?”
    She gave a bright smile, whirled, and walked into the tall rubber plant next to my door, bounced off, collected her bearings, and then whisked off down the hall to her work cubicle.
   Finally the smile that I usually hid from her at work came out. Sam is one of the most vibrant, hilarious people I know. People like to be around her and her self-deprecating sense of humor. But as her boss, I had to stay on my toes to make sure she did her work, didn’t get preferential treatment. Which reminded me.
    Grabbing my coffee mug, I strode down the hall to her cubicle. She was sitting alone at her desk which faced the wall pushing a button on her computer monitor and muttering to herself, “cluck, cluck, cluck.”
    “Ahem,” I said.
    She shot up and did one of those little squeal things that women do, and some guys, but mostly before they hit puberty.
    “You were clucking,” I said, an evil smile on my face.
    “Um, yeah, I find that clucking helps me focus.”
    “Clucking?” 
    “Yeah, I’m all cooped up here, so I may as well act like a chicken.”
    “Uh, you asked me for a job.”
    “Not my fault you gave it to me without checking out my references.” 
    “That's because I heard you came from a reputable family.”
    “Well, yeah, my mother. I’m not sure who my father is though. I heard he did drugs.”
    “I’m sure he’s a jerk,” I said. “By the way, it wouldn’t hurt you to run a brush through your hair.”
    “You should drag a brush through your face.” She was into face-related put-downs.
    “You’re a grownup now. I shouldn’t have to tell you to do basic grooming.”
    “I’m a grownup every day. I bought butter. Ooo, I just drooled. By the way, there’s something wrong with my computer. See, it won’t turn on.”
    I peered at the button she was jabbing. “Um, that’s the eject button on your DVD player.”
    She whirled around, and nearly fell off her chair. “I knew that. Whatever, dude.”



Crunched

   One beautiful day during the Palaeolithic period, in what is now known as Alaska, Moorg and Grog were striding through the snow, hunting woolly mammoths. They had to hunt the woolly ones, because the non-woolly ones had migrated south when it became obvious winter was going to last longer than a couple months.
   Moorg pointed, “Hey, look, you can see Russia from here.”
   Grog looked more confused than usual. “What’s a Russia?”
   Moorg shrugged, “Never mind. It doesn’t matter; the Russians won’t be around for awhile, anyway.”
   Grog frowned, “Then what are you bringing it up for?”
   Moorg, “I don’t know.” Then he picked something off a small branch. “Hey, check it out, a wholly bear caterpillar.”
   Grog, “You mean Woolly bear.”
   Moorg, “That’s what I said.”
   Grog, “No it wasn’t. You said wholly bear. Wholly, woolly. Totally different words.”
   Moorg, “How would you know? We’re grunting. Some dude’s just typing what we would have said if we could speak English.”
   Grog, “What’s English?”
   Moorg, “I don’t know. Something inedible, probably.”
   Grog, “Than why should I care?”
   Moorg just shrugged again.
   They crossed over a small mountain range and they could see a herd of enormous furry pachyderms munching tundra grass in the valley and farting away the young ozone layer.
   “Yeah!” Grog shouted.
   “We found them!” Moorg pumped his fist like a skater boy after a cool pipe run.
   “Is there a drive-up, or do we have to go into the restaurant?” Grog asked, shielding his eyes against the glare on the snow.
   “I dunno,” Moorg said, as he started jogging down the side of the hill.
   As they reached the bottom, Grog felt through the fur hide he wore draped around him. “Do you have any money?” he asked.
   Moorg gave him a look. “Do I look like I have money? We haven’t invented it yet, you dummy.”
   Now Grog could see that Moorg wasn’t rolling a big stone coin in front of him. “Stupid question, huh?”
   Moorg sighed, “Yeah, it’s pretty exasperating sometimes. We haven’t invented money, so there can’t even be prostitution yet. “
   Grog brightened, “The oldest profession, right? I can’t wait. It should be along sometime soon!”
   Moorg looked glum, “It could still be a millennia away though.”
   “What are we waiting for?” Grog asked.
   “I dunno. We have to get off our butts, and start inventing,” Moorg said.
   “Yeah. We need to invent stuff like Playstation, hats and disposable diapers,” Grog said.
   “And automobiles,” Moorg added.
   “I don’t know. We’d better invent the wheel first,” Grog said doubtfully.
   “And oil.”
   “Oh, yeah,” Grog nodded. “If we don’t invent oil, we’ll never have the oil lobbyists.”
   “That’d be awful. Who would run our government without lobbyist money?” Moorg said.
   Grog frowned, "What's government?"
   "Nothing yet, but it will be."
   "Oh," Grog said hesitantly.
   As they walked towards the herd, they didn’t notice the big bull elephant that had approached with more silence than could be expected from a five thousand pound pachyderm.
   “Ahem,” a big mammoth voice thundered, the sound vibrating the ground.
   “Yeah?” the two cavemen asked, looking up in wonder at the huge animal.
   “You guys come here looking to eat some elephant?”
   Moorg and Grog shuffled their feet, “Well, maybe. We’re a mite peckish.”
   “Hmm,” the bull said. “Have you humans invented helmets yet?”
   Moorg and Grog looked at each other, “Helmets? What are helmets?”
   “I thought not.”
   And with that, the mammoth squashed them, wiped them off his feet and went back to the herd.





How to make the wall make sense

Really, imagine how cool a huge wall in Texas would be with solar panels. If we're going to spend the money, let's get some free electricity from it. And we could set up water vending machine stations for the people who tunnel under it, so we get some revenue from that too.

And here's another idea. What about a massive pipe system crisscrossing the US to move water from flooded areas to those that need water? And, unlike oil, if they leak, it's just water. 





Hey all, my first non-fiction book, oh, wait, besides The Guy'd Book (though some of that was made up).


Okay, I'm not going to make a habit of writing non-fiction, but I wrote a non-fiction book, The Illinois Mechanics Lien Statutes ... and Other Construction Stuff, published by the National Association of Credit Management Midwest.  Here's what attorney Steven Boren, President of Contractors Adjustment Co said about it, "Norm provides a wonderful,thoughtful and humorous overview of the Illinois Mechanics Lien Act. Valuable reading for all in the construction industry."

Yeah, and I might pick on attorneys a little bit on the way. Click here to buy 























































If you want to comment or read more blogs, click below to go to my blog site.  
  I don't care what they say, if I see someone sleepwalking, I'm waking them up.
Does fill dirt feel 'disrespected' by top soil?
I always wondered if flies can hear, but not enough to bother Googling it
Do birds have an opinion of wind?